“The Map That Results in You” is a romantic film. Allegedly. Form of. It will get to the lovey-dovey stuff ultimately, however half of it performs like a “Hostel” sequel. A bunch of conventionally fairly school graduates journey throughout Europe, assembly unusual males who stalk them, cut up them up, and refuse to be photographed. At one level the good-looking lead says he tracked the heroine down simply to mansplain Ernest Hemingway’s fourth spouse to her, and he or she guarantees by no means to overlook once more.
I haven’t seen this many pink flags for the reason that manufacturing facility that makes pink flags exploded. And these guys may need been the arsonists. Oscar-nominated director Lasse Hallström (nominated, notably, for higher movies) appears oblivious to the weirdness on show in “The Map That Results in You.” He solely sees a candy romance between an American, who travels to Europe earlier than accepting a giant banking job, and a dashing younger man with worldly opinions, who sweeps her off her ft and adjustments her life whereas hiding a tragic secret. To these paying consideration, sure, that’s the identical story as “My Oxford 12 months,” which got here out just a few weeks in the past. To cite Dr. Doofenshmirtz: “It’s bizarre that it occurred twice.”
There’s one thing to be mentioned a couple of good romantic travelogue. “The Map That Results in You” doesn’t say it. It’s brilliant and crisp to a fault, careening previous the realm of escapist fantasy and crashing in unbelievable territory. Watching these Individuals in Europe with out a care on this planet, whose largest issues are whether or not they need to throw away their financially profitable careers in change for [checks notes] romantic bliss in image good locales isn’t dramatically riveting. It’s so divorced from actuality that it’s virtually grounds for divorce.
There’s not a lot plot to talk of however let’s talk about it anyway. “The Map That Results in You” stars Madelyn Cline (the scene-stealer from “I Know What You Did Final Summer season”) as Heather, who simply graduated school and is completely getting a candy banking job. However first, a European tour along with her greatest buddies Connie (Sofia Wylie) and Amy (Madison Thompson)! Heather desires to see the sights, Connie desires to eat the meals — which we by no means see her doing — and Amy desires to boink studly males, certainly one of whom will get her hopped up on hallucinogens and steals every thing she owns.
Thankfully (?), Heather simply met Jack, performed by KJ Apa (“Riverdale”). It’s an excellent factor he stalked her and wished to mansplain Hemingway’s life story, I assume, as a result of he helps them monitor down Amy’s thief and he steals all that man’s cash as an alternative. As a result of screw that man, clearly. They take his large wad of money on a spending spree and also you’d assume that might be vital later, like that prison could be mad about having all his cash stolen and need to do one thing about it, however apparently he’s cool with being robbed. Our prosperous heroes will need to have wished it extra!
Then all of them cut up up and Heather spends the final leg of her European tour with Jack, and Europe could be very fairly and so they’re very fairly and so they fall in love. It might be beautiful to fall in love together with them, captivated by their charms and/or impressed by their personalities. However Jack and Heather are generic creations: a starry-eyed tragic younger man and a younger lady whose solely character flaw is that she’s not very impulsive, which barely even qualifies. He’s a great, she’s a cypher. Collectively they’re a clean slate mounted in a shiny body.
There’s so little to “The Map That Results in You” that it makes “My Oxford 12 months” look profound by comparability, which is fairly spectacular since “My Oxford 12 months” is “My Oxford 12 months.” Hallström’s movie is an Amazon Authentic and “Oxford” is a Netflix Authentic, so perhaps these two rivals had been attempting to one-up one another, “Armageddon” vs. “Deep Affect”-style. However on this case it’s extra like “Alien vs. Predator,” since whoever wins, we lose.
Look, romance lovers are a bit like slasher followers, in that we don’t want each film to be sensible, we simply need them to hit the beats we love, and hit them onerous. “The Map That Results in You” barely finds its rhythm, and by no means actually connects. There’s nothing amazin’ about it. It’s merely Amazon.
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