Jimmy Kimmel continues to be on trip, and his visitor host this week is Tiffany Haddish, who kicked issues off with a extremely amusing bit the place she introduced a run for president.
And as she defined to the “Jimmy Kimmel Stay” viewers throughout her monologue, she’s not less than as certified as Donald Trump, as a result of “I’ve bought all of the {qualifications} to be president. I’m wealthy, I’ve been arrested just a few occasions, and I at all times say loopy s—.”
Haddish promised her “imaginative and prescient for this nation” would “blow your thoughts… Once I’m President, all profiles on relationship websites should embody your credit score rating. In the event you can’t deal with your small business, you ain’t touching my enterprise.”
“Beneath a Haddish Presidency, each Subway Sandwich store will now carry Pastrami sandwiches, rattling it! Simply the way in which the Founding Fathers needed it to be! They meant it that method,” she continued.
Haddish the promised to “challenge an government order permitting folks to pay their taxes with outdated reward playing cards. We’re gonna run this nation, this authorities like an organization, and that firm is Sizzler.”
“I additionally will make it a criminal offense to point out up on time to a cocktail party. Who within the hell is strolling into my home at 6 o’clock for a 6 o’clock dinner? White folks, that’s who,” she continued.
After vowing to alter the capital of america “from Washington DC to Hankinson, North Dakota,” Haddish added, “As a substitute of elevator small discuss, let’s do elevator Massive Discuss. ‘Fast, inform me about your divorce earlier than the doorways open.’”
“And eventually,” she vowed. “I’m eliminating these little robots that ship meals. In my America, robots will solely be used for intercourse stuff! No extra STDs yall.”
After which she unveiled her slogan, which is mainly what Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Walz mentioned in 2024: “We Thoughts Our Personal Enterprise.’ Sure, hashtag ‘We Thoughts Our Personal (Rattling) Enterprise.’”
Watch the entire monologue beneath:
